Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ask me anything answers 3

Another question after asking you to Ask me anything:

Kelly asks:
What is your relationship with James?
You written about it a few times.. but I'm intrigued. Do you even want to define it (or limit it definition by trying to answer). I know I adore James without ever having met him.. so I can't imagine what you think of him.
A year ago in January, he had decided to stop his own blogs, and devote more time to his boyfriend, the 'former' one with whom he seems to have broken up with ... I think. Then suddenly, he's getting posts about him in your blog, and you two are an item. Oh so it seems... so what's happening there?

Let me first say that I asked James if it was okay to answer this question in my blog. That's why I let it wait for a while. James was cool with it.

James' relationship status on Facebook (before he was deleted) was "It's complicated", if I remember correctly. This was very true. James is playful and exhibitionistic, while his boyfriend is neither. Nonetheless, they love each other very much. Once they tried to sort things out by setting out "rules", but this only underlined everything that was problematic, as I understand it. Now, they have a very different agreement, which James describes more or less like this: They are each other's top priority. This means that James will be with his boyfriend whenever the boyfriend wants to be with him (and the other way round). However, whenever they are apart, they are allowed to do whatever they want.

To me, this is beautiful - it shows both devotion and respect. Devotion, because they acknowledge that the other one is the most important person in their lives. Respect, because they see that both have their own personalities and should have an opportunity to explore different aspects of themselves. It's not obvious that all aspects of your lives should be explored with the same person.

Where does this leave me? Exactly where I want to be. I'm not after a romantic commitment at the moment. I'm happy with great friends and lots of sex in different circumstances and with different people. At the moment, I don't see how this could be combined with having a boyfriend. (Personally, I wouldn't want to go through all the discussions and quarrels that James and his boyfriend have gone through to get to the point where they are today.)

I meet James maybe once a week on average, to try to find new opportunities for exhibitionism. We go to the gym together, to a beach, or maybe just meet at my place, get naked, get seen... We have nice, uncomplicated sex, and that is exactly what we want from each other...

1 comment:

hardtwoholed said...

Thank you for that insightful explanation about yours and James' relationship. After all, it is actually rather 'uncomplicated' - simple and straightforward: priorities first. I guess my hidden fear was that a typical 'deeply romantic' involvement between you two might have led (sooner or later) to some of the behaviors that tend to define to many such relationships: jealously, possessiveness, deception, bursts of anger or remorse, and then passionately making up, just to start it all over again. The way it is now is much more sane, and just as satisfying. Somehow it strikes as elegantly 'nordic' in sensibility - but that may be just my own preconception.